Monday, January 16, 2012


I was described at work today by a coworker as a free bird....she said, "For goodness sake you picked up and moved to France for 3 months!" and it's true...after being home for about 3 or 4 months I was feeling the need to get out, to go have an adventure...and that feeling hasn't left fact, it just keeps growing. I feel as if the spontaneity is being sucked out of me and my life. That is the one aspect of college life that I miss...the ease with which you just jumped into anything and everything, not caring about sleep or health...and then it was always easier because you had multiple friends that all lived right there to take the leap with it's down to just a few friends, none of which live within 10 minutes of me and even if they did it wouldn't much matter because our schedules always clash and we're always all so busy with our big, grown up lives....going to school, working our 40 hours a week, running errands, doing laundry....what happened to having fun and enjoying life?! How can life change so much in just 8 short months...I went from maybe getting 5 hrs of sleep a night, doing my grocery shopping anytime after 9 or 10 pm, having unending energy, always going out and doing stuff, hanging out with friends...and I feel like I had a tighter schedule then: 25 hrs of work, 21 college credits, piano lessons and practice time, church, homework.... Now I have to get 8 hrs of sleep or I'm really tired and/or get sick if the trend of not getting 8 hrs continues for several nights, if I go out and do something with friends it's a rare occasion, running to Target is actually a highlight of my day, after I get home from work I don't have the energy or drive to go do anything...I feel like the life is being sucked out of me...if this is what being an adult is then I'm on the first train to Never-never-land. I do enjoy knowing that I am responsible and self-sufficient, that I can take care of and support myself. I do love my job...but it all makes me feel so constrained and I don't have time to truly enjoy myself. On my days off, if they aren't consumed with chores and errands, I sit around wondering what in the world I am going to do with myself because there's no one to hang out with cuz they're all working or at school and there's no where to go and nothing to do all by then I feel like I've wasted a day....I've said it in my last 2 blogs but ever since the new year I've felt this sense of anticipation and something is about to happen, like there's going to be a change...and I'd welcome it, I just don't know what it is! I crave adventure and spontaneity, for possibly the first time in my life I am kind of craving change. But I don't know what kind of change. Maybe it's just the restless wanderer within needing to get out and makes sense that after being home for only 3 or 4 months I was ready to go the past 3 years the longest I've been home is 2, maybe 2 1/2 months at once because of school. Maybe it's the need for change and adventure that has led me to car shopping online :) Who knows if it will happen but I sat down with my dad and found a few prospects! Then I will own my very own car...and my parents can have the one they gave me back!...which will make their lives a lot easier...and then I won't feel like a burden to them (which is a feeling that I positively despise!) I know that I'm not a burden to them, but I hate that I'm racking up the miles on this car and using it all the time and then they pay for repairs and oil changes...if I paid for the car then I would pay for repairs and while I'm not looking forward to spending that extra money, at least I won't feel like I'm and extra load on my parents! We'll see what comes of this car hunt...I don't know, maybe it's just a need to feel independent...that has always been a strength taken to excess with me.. I am independent, but then I push my independence to it's limits sometimes...I push for more, I try to be more independent and self-sufficient than I need to be...which isn't always a bad thing, but it isn't always a good thing either. Oh well, I suppose that's all a part of finding your wings and growing up ;) Maybe this craving for fun and adventure will be solved after I go to Indiana in a week and a half! We will just have to wait and see!

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