Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Still finding me

You know how you think you know yourself?! Yeah I though I knew myself pretty well too...and I did/do, but I have been learning new things about myself non stop on this trip! I started making a list of them on my phone the other day as I realized them. Some of them are just funny little things and others are bigger, more meaningful things. So here's the list that I've come up with so far of new things I've learned about myself in this last month that I've been in France:

     - Hard times create discipline.
     - Nervous habits of mine include: chewing the inside of my bottom lip until it's raw and cracking my knuckles literally non stop. (I've always cracked my knuckles but it gets out. of. control. when I get stressed or nervous apparently...)
     - I am braver/stronger than I give myself credit for and more of a chicken than I thought... (sounds contradictory, but trust me, it's the truth.)
     - I am actually a HUGE soccer fan! I went into this World Cup "liking" soccer and excited, but have become a little bit obsessed...
     - I am not a very good piano and bass player when compared to those around me....but oh wait! I'm not doing that whole comparison thing anymore... I am who I am, and my abilities are what they are, and if that is not good enough for someone else, then that's their loss. And that comparison is mostly based on the fact that I don't really play by ear and everyone over here does....therefore that makes Abby feel like a failure, when the truth is: I can play the bass by ear, the piano is harder for me and I couldn't necessarily do it on the spot in a service, but when I'm at home I can pick chord progressions out to songs and figure them out when I have the patience and time to do so. AND it's an ability that you either have or don't have and you can't beat yourself up about something that you weren't born with.
     - While I enjoy change, and sometimes welcome it, I am not the biggest fan of CONSTANT change.
     - I know more French than I thought I would but am most comfortable speaking it with people I actually know.
     - I over think/analyze everything... oh yeah, I've been doing that for years. And it makes me angry.
     - I am a confusing person....I have the confidence to up and leave my family, home, job, friends, etc and travel half way around the world by myself to someplace where I hardly know anyone and am perfectly fine with that...then I get there and don't have the confidence to just go out and speak the language. I don't get it. Anybody have any great insight on this?! Lol!
     - I am a very self-conscious person.
     - I am slowly, but surely, becoming okay with not knowing what's coming next, where I'm going next, or what I'm doing tomorrow.
     - I can't do anything, but God can do everything.
     - I found out what it means to "miss" someone.... as weird as this may sound, I had never once in my life felt homesick or missed my family. Talking/skyping has always been enough for me. But those first couple weeks here that were really rough for me...yeah I found out what it meant to miss home and your family. And while I may not be "homesick" anymore I can now say that I know what it feels like and it was probably something that I needed to experience/learn.
     - This whole traveling the world by yourself thing gets lonely. I've always been a loner and been ok with that but this trip has been different in SO many ways. While I may have friends here, there is no one here who REALLY knows me, no one who understands me, knows my quirks, no one who I feel like I can fully open up to (yes, I have trust issues....and good reasons for it too....you learn not to touch fire after getting burned a few too many times right?! Just apply that to friendships and there you have it.), no one to vent to when I'm having a bad day or frustrated, no one to talk to about what I'm going through in that moment, etc. For whatever reason that didn't really matter last time, but this time it's been a much bigger deal...I guess 3 years can change a person more than you think! Thank goodness for Skype and apps that let you text people for free but it's still not the same as having someone there to experience everything with you and talk to in person. I guess that means all of my friends need to move to France for the next 2 months ;)
     - I MISS MY DOGS!!!! Ok, that's nothing new, I've missed them all along and knew that I would when I left... I just had to throw it out there though.
I am sure that this list will keep growing as the trip continues...but that's already quite the list for only being here a month! So there you have it....you never stop learning about yourself...but then again, we're humans and we never stop changing and growing. Cue "The Circle of Life" from the Lion King... :) Still one of my all time favorite movies and I am not ashamed to admit that...or to admit to loving the soundtrack. And if all of the flies died I would be totally ok with that because I am SO sick of them landing on me right now!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH! Have a wonderful Tuesday everyone!!! :D

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