Beautiful....what does that mean?

The word "Beautiful" means something different to everyone. Everyone has their own opinion on beauty and what makes things beautiful. What is beautiful to one person, is not to another.... Why am I blabbering on about beauty? Because I am trying to understand it and what it means. I am your typical girl, and I want to feel beautiful. Before you all start rolling your eyes or jumping on my case, let me just clarify this is not a post trying to get compliments and/or attention. I am being completely honest here about my self views and would appreciate it if you would respect that. I have never thought of myself as beautiful. But nor have I ever viewed myself as ugly. I feel like I am your common, average person and I am quite content with that. Well maybe "content" isn't the correct word because I don't think anyone, anywhere in the world, is 100% "content" with how they look (whether it's facially or physically). The way I describe how I view myself is as the person you pass in the mall and don't look twice at, because they are just another person. You don't double take because I'm stunning, nor do you double take because I'm just that ugly lol! You might double take if I have my hair down, but I've always said that my hair was my best attribute ;)

I have those days when I feel pretty....those days when your hair turned out great and you put together a fabulous outfit.... I love those days :D and then I have those days when I dodge mirrors because I'm scared of what will be looking back at me lol! After scrolling through Pinterest for about 10 minutes today I found myself repeatedly thinking "I wish I looked like that!", "I wish I could pull that look off", "I wish my hair would do that" (my hair has a mind of it's own...), "If only I had an outfit like that". For once I want to feel like a carefree, beautiful gypsy with a flower crown in my hair, a pretty princess in a frilly shirt and tutu skirt, pull of the sophisticated, on-the-go look, or my all time fav: a 20s flapper with finger waves, feathers and glitter...and feel beautiful while doing it. Sometimes the things that I tend to love and feel beautiful in are the same things that make me feel conspicuous and self-conscious when I'm out in public... like they're "too far out there"... Maybe that's just me caring too much about what other people think, but who doesn't care a least a LITTLE bit. I tend to not care THAT much but I do hate feeling like everyone's staring at me. Here are 2 examples of pieces that I LOVE but always feel like I get stared at continuously when I'm wearing them:

Top photo is of a dress that my mother and I tag-teamed (I was running out of time before a trip I wanted to take it on) and made it. The 2nd photo is a jacket that I bought in Prague...It's not a matter of styling either. I feel confident in my sense of style. I don't buy clothes that I am not ABSOLUTELY in love with and that don't look good on me. I love fashion and might just love shopping a little bit... ;)

I want to, for once in my life, feel comfortable in front of a camera. I always love getting professional pictures done every couple of years but at the same time I dread it because I feel SO self-conscious in front of the camera and NEVER know what to do with my face, my body, my arms, etc. I feel awkward, uncomfortable and like everyone is watching and critiquing me... I always hope for a photographer who is a "take charge and tell me exactly what to do and how to do it" type of photographer otherwise it becomes a struggle and I leave feeling like a complete flop and hoping that they are somehow able to salvage whatever they got and come out with at least a couple cute pics! I don't even like taking pictures by myself on vacations and stuff with family and friends. Honestly you will have a hard time finding a picture of just me taken by someone else. Why? Because I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I will grab someone I just met and barely know so that I don't have to take a picture by myself. I regret this when I get home from trips... I have pictures of all of these amazing places, but no pictures of me in/at those amazing places.

I hate this self-conscious, insecure part of me...because that's not my personality...that's not who I usually am. I am normally a confident, independent, self-assured person. I have a strong, outgoing personality. I am confident in who I am and what I do... just not what I look like?! Does that make any sense?! I think it is extremely important for women to view themselves as beautiful and I am always encouraging those around me to see the beauty in themselves and find it so easy to find and point out all the ways that they are beautiful... yet have a hard time seeing it in myself. This in no way reflects on my family, they are more than loving and supportive. My dad loves to tell me that I am the "most beautiful blue-eyed, blonde in the world". :D  

So to all my girls out there... if there are any of you even reading this silly blog of mine.... any recommendations on how to overcome this? I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this or feels this way about myself... it's a curse to women and quite frankly, I'm very sick of it. I want to feel beautiful and confident in my own skin.... even if other's don't view me that way...because as I said before, what's beautiful to one, isn't another. I don't expect others to view me as beautiful, but I need to view me as beautiful.